My definition

I am in my 40 s, having a happy family with a friend like husband, amiable in laws and 2 loving children. I am married for 15 years now. Thoughts of existence, identity has started haunting me from few days.

I left my job after marriage when we went out of country for some time. I thought I would loose my financial independence and sense of security. But reality was different my husband always made sure that I have enough money in my personal account and he never asked for the accounts. He always felt as a husband it’s his duty to take care of my independence and some times he joked saying that I should get some salary for looking after the home and taking care of certain things, but I disagreed saying it was my duty to do so and our arguments always ended in a loud laugh.

I felt my in-laws would start restricting me and intruding into my space since, I will be at home all the time now. I was wrong again; they never questioned any of my decisions regarding household matters. Some times they did advise me but never did they make me feel that I was restricted.

In these years, Family has not become my world. Thanks to all my family members and friends. Some time back we returned to India. My kids don’t need me around them any more. I have only father in law to look after at home now. He also likes to spend time in his own ‘room’. My husband and me do spend time together.

In spite of all the above nice and good things in my life, I have started to think about my identity. I don’t have any answer for my thoughts yet.

Today, as always I am going for a grocery shopping. One of my favorite tasks. I met some of my acquaintances and went for a stroll in the park.

I was just thinking about my questions again, I started listing the things I have done in my life till now especially after marriage.

I have never started an argument with my in laws and most of the time I have listened to what ever they say. In the process I have done so many things, which I don’t like, like wearing a saree of their choice, dressing up the way they want. Etc. All these seem like petite issues but they give raise to lots of arguments, which in turn become quarrels.

I have tried to be a good wife to my husband in all the ways I can. I have never told him that I sacrificed my career and stuff like that. I have never demanded any thing from him.

Never encroached his space. The evidence for all these things is, he still likes to be alone with me. He still loves going out with me J

I have helped my children become good human beings. They may not always do the right thing but certainly they know the difference between right and wrong.

I have a few very good friends and if not helping them out, I do listen to all their problems.I help people whenever I feel like in whatever ways I can.

Now, I got the answer to all my questions.

Identity is not having financial independence. It’s not all about having your own career.

It’s not about not changing your self.

It’s about how strongly you feel as a person. How well can you connect to your soul and how well you can leave your mark in this universe no matter how small it is!

Happy face of my mother in law when she passed away, a smile on my father in law’s face even after loosing his wife, my husband’s desire to come home soon, my daughter’s wish to show me her crush, my son’s need to discuss his failures with me, my parents to wish to visit me often, my siblings frequent phone calls in spite of being busy with their own lives are all my tiny marks!